Look at Me, Mister...I'm Still a Star

Last night Shlomo and I returned to the place of my former glory where I made my stage debut in The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee to see The Drowsy Chaperone. It was a terrific show. I had seen it on Broadway a few years ago with my mother and it lost none of its charm.

However, that is not the exciting thing to report. I was feeling a little low about my celebrity status. In fact, I was afraid I had dropped off the D-List in a manner that can only be described as an Erin Moran. (Seriously, I know Joanie loved Chachi, but whatever happened to her!?!?)

Then, it happened. Two of my fans recognized me. By fans, I mean two old guys who had to be in their 80s. I had been to the restroom (the fact that the show had no intermission scared me…it did not matter that I had been 10 minutes earlier in the restaurant). I was making my way back to my seat. Then, they stopped me.

“Excuse me, what words did you have to spell?”

Me, beaming with pride, “My first word was Mexicans. I got it right. My second word was the made-up “psermounkell” which is a short speech delivered by a pastor. Everyone knows that would never happen.”

They laughed. I returned to my seat and longed for my sunglasses which I had left in my car to shield me from their admiring gaze. It is not easy having adoring fans.

Tuesday Riddle...

November 16, 2008






7:30 p.m.







Minute Maid Park






Houston, TX






What two people in the world have these things in common?








Me







And













Madonna!
Enough said.

Leaving Las Vegas

I did not want to report this until we were back, but Shlomo and I have been in Vegas for the past few days. He had a convention. I came out as it was winding down. The trip can be described in one word: Cher!

On Wednesday night, Shlomo and I took in her extravaganza. She was either in good voice or lip synched well. I don’t care. The costumes were (there’s no other word) fabulous. By the way, there were 12 costumes in 90 minutes. The dancers and acrobats were amazing.

I might have gotten a little caught up in the moment. I always do. I bought a vintage-looking T-shirt. But more importantly, I bought this.

I particularly like how the box is fogged over her nether-region. She wore the life-sized version (which was not much bigger) during the show .

The backstory on the Cher Barbie is this. I was never allowed to have a Barbie growing up. My dad thought it might make me gay. There are no other words that come to mind than, “Ha ha, Stupid!” It had been a lifelong quest that was not fulfilled. In fact, I considered not owning a Barbie doll one of the greatest tragedies of my life.

So, we saw the dolls before the show started. I pointed them out to Shlomo and said I wanted one. He rolled his eyes and said something to the effect of, “No way.” In my usual witty and condescending manner, I replied that I understood as it would be harder to get a three-top table at dinner following the show. Cher would need her own seat. It was my own little Jack McFarland moment.

So we went to the show. Oh, if I could turn back time. I believe it was incredible. That half-breed is the ultimate dark lady.

The show ends. There is thunderous ovation. Shlomo and I make a beeline for Spago. Imagine my disbelief when they sat the two of us at a three-top table. I ordered my chicken sausage pizza and a bellini and dashed back to the store. It’s odd being joined for dinner by a celebrity.

So all was well. Shlomo and I enjoyed the rest of our stay. We went to the airport this morning. As I am going through security, I hear the guy looking at the machine say, “Whose doll is this?” Shlomo cuts his eyes at me. It’s literally the two of us and some old couple.

Proudly, I say, “She is mine?”

The guy erupts in laughter. “Is that a Barbie?”

I say, “Show some respect. It’s Cher. You might think I would be embarrassed or ashamed, but I am not. She’s fabulous. And, I could say it is for my niece, but I don't have a niece.” With that, I gathered my things and headed to the gate. Viva Las Vegas.


******************************U P D A T E******************************


I just found out that this was at one time available but is not longer being offered by Mattel.

She is even more fabulous than the 80s Cher. The half-breed getup was my favorite costume during the show. Thanks to some savvy ebay shopping, she will arrive in 4-6 days.

I've Got a Headache This Big

Well, I am "sick" today. At least, that is what my boss thinks. Migraines are the worst. Now, it could not in any way be related to the fact that Shlomo is in Vegas and the security alarm people are in the house working on our alarm or that the landscapers are coming this afternoon to determine what they are to next destroy. I mean plant. Plant next. They plant not destroy. Yeah right. Just ask our Star Jasmine...or what is left of it.



Anyway, I am not at the office. That is never a bad thing.



It was a very relaxing weekend. Shlomo left Saturday afternoon for his convention. I went almost immediately to my favorite local shopping horror...I mean mall. I managed to finish my shopping for his birthday presents. I will update all he received after June 10. What do you get the guy who has everything? Well, I answered that question...however, I just cannot share until after his birthday. He does read this blog.



That's about all I have to offer. I will save my camel-riding adventure from yesterday for another time.

Hats Off to Her!

So, here I sit. It’s Tuesday. I am bored out of my mind at work. I really have nothing to talk about. So, I guess I will focus on the most important topics of all: sex and fashion.

Like many girls and gay men, I too am eagerly anticipating the arrival of Sex and the City: The Movie (as I officially call it) at the end of the month. It has been a long time since I sipped fresh cosmos with Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte. And, let’s face it: Patricia Field did the best job of outfitting the gals for that series that anyone has ever done.

As many of you know, the movie premiered this week in London. It makes perfect sense. It’s set in New York. New York is an integral part of the story. It should premiere in London.

So, SJP showed up at the premiere in this:


I totally get it. I think it is beyond fabulous. Every year, I love to see the pictures from Royal Ascot of all the Ladies (capitalized because I am pretty sure all of them have titles) in their fancy hats. It is part of the British culture. And, I am a firm believer of when in Rome (or in this case London), do as the Romans (British).

Furthermore (wow…sounds pompous), I also like to think that I know where she took her inspiration. Roller Wilson, my favorite artist, has been doing stuff like that for years. Just see below…

Since I've Been Gone...

Okay, so it has been a while since I posted an entry. Here is why: all my words for a couple of weeks were taken up by Shlomo’s brilliant speech that I wrote and he delivered last Friday. I plan to take the weekend off, and then be back next week with more updates from my exciting life and observations on the culture known as pop.

Calgon, Take Me Away!

There is no nice way to say it. This week is kicking my butt. First, I will focus on the good news: Shlomo’s speech is ready. For the most part, it has passed the muster of those whose muster it needed to pass. I am relieved that my part of that (you know, the writing, editing, and pretty much making sure it is smart and entertaining) is done.

Then, yesterday was a day that will live in infamy. That’s right. In my world, it could be up there with Pearl Harbor. Not the day it was bombed. The day the movie was released. That day will live in infamy too. Talk about bad.

So, work…yeah, work…oh, how I love thee. I have been working on this freakin’ spreadsheet for four days. That’s four whole days. Not counting the six days I worked setting it up before these additions were deemed necessary. Yep. I am sick of it. It now appears to be over. Hopefully, it won’t resurface.

So, let’s review the home situation. Shlomo had to go to California yesterday for meetings today. That left me with the house to myself. Did I mention that our house is a combination of construction zone and disaster area? We had a simple little project that we wanted: just some lights in the built-in shelves in the living room. We thought it would make everything appear so much nicer and not be that much effort. Yeah…we thought wrong. There is literally nothing left in our living room. Everything is pushed against a wall and covered with plastic. Our floor? Yep, the beautiful antique Persian rug has been replaced with some padded brown paper thing. Oh. So. Lovely.

So my usual plan of “Shlomo is out of town and I will watch shows I have DVRed that he does not follow” was not really going to happen. TV…not in living room. Comfy yet attractive chair? Against the wall covered with plastic. No problem. I will go lay on the bed and watch my shows. Oh yeah, did I mention that the satellite receiver is out of order in the bedroom?

Brainstorm…I can still watch a DVD in the bedroom. It pains me very much to tell you this next part. About a week and a half ago, we had four baby birds that made it to the point of fledging. That’s right, the adult birds were good enough parents that they raised them to the point that they actually left the nest. (My parents are still trying to achieve this with my brother. Yes, he has his own house and a wife. But, he would move back in if given any excuse.) All was well. Until yesterday. I found that one of the babies did not make it. Note: if you are my rabbi and are reading this, a condolence note will not be necessary. I refuse to believe the babies are going to make it until they actually make it and have their adult feathers. I grew up on a farm. I know these things happen. (Cue Elton John singing “Circle of Life” here.)

So Shlomo is gone and I need to dispose of the remains. Not that it happens often (it has only happened one other time), but it is his job. Somehow, I made myself do it. I would love to say that there was a burial…and a ceremony of some sort….some kind words about how life is precious. Yeah. There was a soft cloth and the outside trash can. Call me harsh. That’s all I could bring myself to do.

So, house is a wreck. Dogs are stirring because of the house wreckage. They just do not know how to deal with the disruption to their environment. I can relate. I am watching Juno on DVD. Things are good. I pause it to take a potty break and cannot get the stupid DVD to work again. I try completely restarting the system. Nothing.

By this time, it is getting kind of late, so I decide to let Calgon take me away. And, away it took me. Whoever it was that decided one should not take a bubble bath every day should be shot. It was the best part of my day until…my cell phone decided to join me in the tub. Splish. Splash.

I grabbed it immediately, got out, and dried off. I dried it as best I could and took it apart so the pieces could dry individually. My hope was that it would work again this morning. Well, evidently hopes are for sissies. It does not work. I called the fine folks at T-Mobile to report the problem. I have insurance on the darn thing, surely it covered stupidity and clumsiness. Yeah…it does. I have to talk to a claims adjuster (for a phone!) and then I should have a new one in 48 hours. I know that does not seem like a long time. But it is. 48 hours without a cell phone for me is like 48 years of my dad’s life without those white Reeboks from 1987 that he always wears. I love that phone. Oh, and if you come across a pair of the classic white leather Reeboks with green writing in a size 9, let me know where. Father’s day is coming up.

So there it is. I think we have all learned an important lesson. Sometimes Calgon (or in this case Elemis Muscle Soak…hey…I walked three miles yesterday...it was justified) can take you away and you forget about all your stresses and problems. Other times, Calgon only adds to your problems. Thanks, Calgon. You are a friend.