Calgon, Take Me Away!

There is no nice way to say it. This week is kicking my butt. First, I will focus on the good news: Shlomo’s speech is ready. For the most part, it has passed the muster of those whose muster it needed to pass. I am relieved that my part of that (you know, the writing, editing, and pretty much making sure it is smart and entertaining) is done.

Then, yesterday was a day that will live in infamy. That’s right. In my world, it could be up there with Pearl Harbor. Not the day it was bombed. The day the movie was released. That day will live in infamy too. Talk about bad.

So, work…yeah, work…oh, how I love thee. I have been working on this freakin’ spreadsheet for four days. That’s four whole days. Not counting the six days I worked setting it up before these additions were deemed necessary. Yep. I am sick of it. It now appears to be over. Hopefully, it won’t resurface.

So, let’s review the home situation. Shlomo had to go to California yesterday for meetings today. That left me with the house to myself. Did I mention that our house is a combination of construction zone and disaster area? We had a simple little project that we wanted: just some lights in the built-in shelves in the living room. We thought it would make everything appear so much nicer and not be that much effort. Yeah…we thought wrong. There is literally nothing left in our living room. Everything is pushed against a wall and covered with plastic. Our floor? Yep, the beautiful antique Persian rug has been replaced with some padded brown paper thing. Oh. So. Lovely.

So my usual plan of “Shlomo is out of town and I will watch shows I have DVRed that he does not follow” was not really going to happen. TV…not in living room. Comfy yet attractive chair? Against the wall covered with plastic. No problem. I will go lay on the bed and watch my shows. Oh yeah, did I mention that the satellite receiver is out of order in the bedroom?

Brainstorm…I can still watch a DVD in the bedroom. It pains me very much to tell you this next part. About a week and a half ago, we had four baby birds that made it to the point of fledging. That’s right, the adult birds were good enough parents that they raised them to the point that they actually left the nest. (My parents are still trying to achieve this with my brother. Yes, he has his own house and a wife. But, he would move back in if given any excuse.) All was well. Until yesterday. I found that one of the babies did not make it. Note: if you are my rabbi and are reading this, a condolence note will not be necessary. I refuse to believe the babies are going to make it until they actually make it and have their adult feathers. I grew up on a farm. I know these things happen. (Cue Elton John singing “Circle of Life” here.)

So Shlomo is gone and I need to dispose of the remains. Not that it happens often (it has only happened one other time), but it is his job. Somehow, I made myself do it. I would love to say that there was a burial…and a ceremony of some sort….some kind words about how life is precious. Yeah. There was a soft cloth and the outside trash can. Call me harsh. That’s all I could bring myself to do.

So, house is a wreck. Dogs are stirring because of the house wreckage. They just do not know how to deal with the disruption to their environment. I can relate. I am watching Juno on DVD. Things are good. I pause it to take a potty break and cannot get the stupid DVD to work again. I try completely restarting the system. Nothing.

By this time, it is getting kind of late, so I decide to let Calgon take me away. And, away it took me. Whoever it was that decided one should not take a bubble bath every day should be shot. It was the best part of my day until…my cell phone decided to join me in the tub. Splish. Splash.

I grabbed it immediately, got out, and dried off. I dried it as best I could and took it apart so the pieces could dry individually. My hope was that it would work again this morning. Well, evidently hopes are for sissies. It does not work. I called the fine folks at T-Mobile to report the problem. I have insurance on the darn thing, surely it covered stupidity and clumsiness. Yeah…it does. I have to talk to a claims adjuster (for a phone!) and then I should have a new one in 48 hours. I know that does not seem like a long time. But it is. 48 hours without a cell phone for me is like 48 years of my dad’s life without those white Reeboks from 1987 that he always wears. I love that phone. Oh, and if you come across a pair of the classic white leather Reeboks with green writing in a size 9, let me know where. Father’s day is coming up.

So there it is. I think we have all learned an important lesson. Sometimes Calgon (or in this case Elemis Muscle Soak…hey…I walked three miles yesterday...it was justified) can take you away and you forget about all your stresses and problems. Other times, Calgon only adds to your problems. Thanks, Calgon. You are a friend.