I Hate UPS

I have been the victim of a vast conspiracy. I am not sure who is to blame. Although, I do suspect the cast of The Office. Here's the dealio: I decided that I would take this summer while tv is totally in the doldrums to catch up on a couple of shows so I could add them to my regular viewing in the fall. I chose 30 Rock and How I Met Your Mother as we were lacking on the comedy-front in our viewing habits.

I ordered season one of 30 Rock from amazon.com. As soon as finals were over, I watched the whole season in about 3 days. I could not get enough. I even laughed out loud on occasion. Gigi gave me the strangest looks. I don't think she got the humor. So, I could see that a problem was arising. I was going to need season two pronto or I would be faced with daytime television during the rest of my break before summer classes started. I immediately ordered it and paid the extra $3.99 for overnight shipping.

It came the next day. However, there was one slight problem. Our mailbox is really just a slot in the garage door. Someone (I won't say who, Shlomo) was not looking as they drove into the garage and drove over my dvds. The packaging was destroyed, but I thought the dvds survived. I tried to play them: opening still shot of first scene on disk to last credit of last episode all in a span of 2 seconds. It was our fault (by our, I mean Shlomo's) so I ordered another copy. Again, I paid the extra $3.99 for overnight shipping.

The following day, I religiously checked the progress of my package delivery on the UPS website. It said "Out for delivery" all day. At 10:00 that night, I determined it would not be delivered that day. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I have gotten packages at 9:30 recently. I emailed amazon for a refund of the overnight shipping. They happily obliged. The next day, however, still no dvds. I checked the UPS website. It showed that it was delivered mid-day. I was home all day. There was no way it was delivered without my knowing it. Still, I checked all around our front door. I also checked all around our neighbors' front doors. No package.

Again, I emailed amazon. I got a prompt response that they would ship out another copy at no charge. Long story short: it was the same thing all over again. UPS said it was delivered. I had no dvds. I was even in the driveway at the time they showed it was delivered. (I just happen to know what time I left to go get my mom at the airport as I was running late. I was not sitting in the driveway with a brewsky waiting. I have a life. Clearly, I do. I told you I watched a whole season in less than three days.) At this point, I decided I should call the fine folks at amazon.com. I tried calling UPS first. They were no help. They are never helpful. This was the Friday evening of the holiday weekend. They promised to once again ship a copy on Tuesday (overnight, of course) at no additional charge. I felt the need to exlpain that I was not trying to scam them for 18 copies of the second season of 30 Rock. All they would have to do is check my order history and know that I am a stand-up guy who never complains. In fact, I probably order enough to be customer of the year. Have I mentioned that I often use them to supplement the library for my research?

Finally, on Wednesday, I received my copy of season 2. I have also now watched it as it was a short season due to that pesky writers' strike of 2007. Don't even get me started on the painful memories of how that messed up my life. I can report that there was no sophomore slump. It, too, was hilarious. Now, I am just a year behind. Season 3 does not come out until later this summer on dvd. In the meantime, season one of HIMYM is scheduled to arrive on Monday. Why do I get the feeling that UPS will once again be providing material for my blog?

Insomnia, Reconciliation, and More

I cannot sleep. I don't know what my deal is. School is out. Summer school is yet to start. I am wide awake. Shlomo was out of town for the past few nights, so I blamed it on that. He is back. I am wide awake. I don't understand. I literally have no stress at the moment. What is wrong?

It's not like I have not taken steps. Believe me, tonight I took steps. I cut off the caffeine at 3:00 this afternoon. I had a martini at dinner. Shit, I just realized I had a cappuccino with dessert. I am so stupid. My stupid attempt to stay awake at Happy Days: A New Musical has come back to bite me in my considerable derriere. By the way, there was no need to even attempt to stay awake. It was not good. We left at intermission. We never leave at intermission. I decided life is too short—especially if there is a little apricot toy poodle bundle of joy angel with fur waiting for you at home.

On a brighter note, I can report that William Shakespeare and I have reconciled today. We broke up the day before the final in my Shakespeare class. I was over it. He and I were no longer friends. I knew going into the final that I was borderline A/B. I studied furiously, but accepted that it would wind up a B. Today, when grades came out, much to my surprise it went the other way. I still have no Bs on my transcript. Yay me. I am not sure how it happened, by the way. Yes, I knew I had a good essay answer. It should have been good. I wrote it the day before. I knew I got the fill in the blank part. You were supposed to answer 10 of 14 questions. I knew all 14. I answered all 14 to show him that I paid attention. I hoped he would take that into consideration after the quote identification. I suck at quote identification. I beyond suck. If you said it, don't expect me to identify it. If you paint it, I know it. If you sculpt it, I know it. If you have a character say it, it goes in one ear and out the other. But, I still might reread As You Like It this summer. Don't waste your time calling me nerd, or dweeb, or putz in the comments section. I already know. I embrace my nerdiness. Always have.

Well, I guess I will sign off. I might take a Benadryl. I might not. I don't have to get up for anything in the morning. Shlomo is off from work. Maybe a drug-induced coma in the middle of the night is not such a bad idea.

Oh, and I have an out-of-print reading recommendation. Before I suggest it, please keep in mind that I have just spent a semester immersed in the Victorian novel and the works of the Bard. However, I am currently loving Every Night, Josephine by the original doyenne of dish Jacqueline Susann. You can find copies on Amazon. It is the story of her adventures with her little beloved poodle, Josephine. With little Gigi now, I can totally relate. But, I don't think you even have to be a dog lover to love this book. It's a fun, easy beach read. All that is missing is the beach. You hear that Shlomo…beach. Hey, a guy can hint—especially if his birthday is coming up.

 

Gigi is in the Doghouse

Okay, I have tried to spare you from stories about the miracle angel baby with fur otherwise known as Gigi. But, I have to share this. Suffice it to say, she is spoiled. Like our entire lives revolve around her spoiled.

Granted, we did not take her to New York last weekend. But, she was very well cared for at the vet. I don't know that she was ever in her boarding area. They sent pictures. She was super happy. We missed her terribly. She got a new blinged-out collar and a dog toy in the shape of a purse. It's a Chewy Vuitton. After all, she is a designer kind of girl.

But tonight, things have gone horribly awry. I would take the blame, but I was on a different floor. Shlomo took her upstairs to feed her dinner. She ate. He opened the door and was looking for his robe. Evidently, Gigi was allowed to run amok. I am not saying it is Shlomo's fault, but I never let her feet touch the floor. She is a princess and deserves to be carried at all times.

Anyhoo, Shlomo lets her walk over and urinate on her adorable little bed from Harry Barker and her Chewy Vuitton. WTF Gigi? Chewy Vuittons do not grow on trees. If you keep this up, you are never going to get Jimmy Chews. For shizzle.

So, there you have it. She is in the dog house. Well, she would be. But the one we want goes on sale tomorrow for one day only. We plan to order it then. I am sure there will be some four to six week delivery period. So, as soon as it gets here...she will be in the doghouse. Given how cute it is, though, we should all be so lucky. In the meantime, Shlomo can be in the doghouse. I am sure he has done something to deserve it.