This Year in Jerusalem

Wow! So far, it has been an amazing trip. Things are going very well. I will have all the details when I get home and am not paying by the minute to use a computer.

She had me at masturbation

Last night I had the privelege to meet former Surgeon General of the United States Joycelyn Elders. She spoke at the Temple on healthcare as part of their annual lecture series. Prior to her speaking, Shlomo and I were invited to a dinner for her and were fortunate enough to sit at her table. She and I bonded during drinks over our shared native state. It's pretty amazing to say you are from BFE and have a Surgeon General know exactly where it is. She was passionate, articulate, honest, and funny. That is all you can ask for in a speaker.

While at the temple, several little old ladies (or LOLs as I like to call them) talked to me about what a great time I would have in Israel and how many times they have been, etc. I know this to be true, but my question is why do I have diarrhea just thinking about it? I am pretty sure this is God's punishment for my constantly singing my ode to the big D in the first grade...you know, some people think it's gross, but it's really good on toast... I was such the comedian.

I know it's ridiculous, but I am seriously going to miss my shows for the next week and a half. No Dancing With the Stars, no Desperate Housewives, no Ugly Betty, no Grey's, no Damages, no Brother's and Sisters...seriously...I know I should have bigger problems and I do have the DVR, but still. My only consolation is I have downloaded the first four eps of Gossip Girl to the iPod. Hopefully, I will like the show and will add it to my list of series. Honestly, what am I going to do without Weeds for two weeks? You may say it is just a gateway series, but I am addicted.

That's about it for now. I probably will not blog while in the Middle East. But, you can expect plenty of updates when I return on Halloween.

Et cetera, Et cetera, Et cetera...

Okay, I am swamped this week trying to get ready to go to Israel...work is hell...I have stuff every night...Shlomo is in Florida, so I have more to do than if he were here...so here it is fast and furious:

• I had a great post yesterday, but my boss walked up before I could post it and I lost it. Damn the company for expecting me to actually work.
• My painting finally arrived from Santa Fe on Friday. It looks amazing. It's odd when you get something that you never thought you would be able to own. I can still stare at it for an hour. I know I am a loser.
• Whatever happened to Natalie Merchant? A song of hers just came on my iPod. I miss me some Natalie.
• Dancing With the Stars seems to be getting it right so far this season. My hope is Mark Cuban is the next to go. I will be sunning myself/walking my feet off/dodging suicide bombers in the Middle East next week, so I will not know until later.
• If you are not watching Damages on FX, you should be. Glenn Close is her usual amazing self. Rose Byrne has proven equally adept at holding her own. I think there is a marathon on Saturday to catch up before the season finale on Tuesday. Buy your snacks and plop down on the couch. It is worth it.
• I saw the Jane Austen Book Club over the weekend. Cute movie. Emily Blunt is fantastic.
• Larry Craig...not guilty...not resigning...blah, blah, blah (or should I say tap, tap, tap?)...give it up. You got caught. Lies do not help any situation...except weight loss and how I look in my clothes.
• Chanukah came early as Shlomo gave me my present on Friday. It was a fantastic orange alabaster sculpture of a mobius heart that we had seen in Santa Fe. He gave it to me early to prevent himself from having to go in every gallery in Israel, New York, and even Houston to find the perfect thing to coordinate with the painting. It also made the fact that the Bayou City Arts festival had nothing of interest on Saturday a little more tolerable. On a side note, it will make it easier for me to force his present on him when it arrives in early November. I hate waiting for the actual occasion to open or give a present. I am such a child that way.
• New York in December...six plays in five days...we are out of control. At least it's a work trip for Shlomo...but it's all play (or plays) for me.

I guess that's all I have at the moment, I think I covered everything. I did not mention how disappointing the Finch/Canary show was on Saturday. Yes, we are big enough nerds to both go to and be disappointed by such a thing.

Israel is just around the corner. We all know what that means for my digestive tract. Well, at least I know OM knows what that means.

Isn't it Ironic? Don't ya think?

Am I the only one that sees the irony in the fact that George W. Bush led us into war where thousands of lives have been lost and Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize? I could go on with a bunch of statistics, but why? The first sentence says it all.

I hate my hair! I hate myself!

It's official. I have become one of those people I hate. Shlomo travels for business. A lot. This has always been the case since I have known him. My question is: why does it make me sad when I know he is not going to be home at night? We see each other all the time. Whether he is on the road or not, we talk or email 9 bazillion times a day. Why am I sad?

Before you start to feel sorry for me, I do have a very full life. He's gone tonight and I am having dinner with my friend Suz Somebody and getting a massage. It's not a hard life. Still, I hate that I have become this. I can be happy...I can be sad...it all depends on him. Vomit. Oh well, I guess it is love.

By the way, my hair is fine. I just remember when my brother Rasp was about five, he wanted curly hair. We don't have curly hair. After weeks of begging, my mother relented and used perm rods with no solution on his hair. She took them out, he glanced in the mirror, ran to his room and hid behind the toy box screaming, "I hate my hair! I hate myself!" It was much cuter given the fact that he could not say his Rs properly. We were not even able to get a picture. That would have been nice for blackmail later on. Although, given his current lack of hair, he might welcome said picture. Anywho, since then, when I am filled with self-loathing, we know what I proclaim.

Danke Shoen!

Wayne Newton is gone. Thank you. Enough said.

Cannonball Run

"Cannonball" (okay, "Creation"--the previously-mentioned preposterous purchase from Santa Fe) came today. Wow! A bronze sculpture really does make all the difference in our backyard. Of course, it kicked off yet another need to purchase something else. We had a fused glass mask hanging on the back fence. We determined that we needed another to really make it look right. Check it out...Myra will join the previously-procured Hettie on our back fence. Shlomo says we are "done." He always says that. I hope we are never "done" with the house. That is what makes it fun. Although, we are done with the yard and first floor for the most part.



When she comes, I will post a photo of the whole area. Until then, just imagine "Cannonball," a metal table and chairs, a palm tree, a bunch of bamboo, a jacuzzi, and a bunch of brick. I used to call it a jungle, but now I call it a "beautiful jungle" back there. I don't feel bad in saying that. We worked very hard to make it look good. Okay, we worked very hard to find a landscape company to make it look good.

Nerves and Nervousness

Our trip to Israel is in 11 days. I get diarrhea just thinking about it (a trait I share with my dear friend Ozzy's Mom...or as I will forevermore be calling her here...OM).

I think things are in order. Reservation for dog boarding? Check. Housesitter? Check (Thanks, M-Dawg!). Immodium AD in the meantime? Not yet, but desperately need it. Oy vey, I will keep you posted. In the interim, you know where I will be.

Should be arriving in 2043

Why is it that you purchase something, they promise it by a certain date, the date passes and you find out it hasn't shipped yet? Such is the case with my Roller Wilson painting. I admit I am not the most patient person in the world (but I am pretty damn close when it comes to you, Shlomo!). However, I don't think it is asking too much for someone to follow through on their promise when you are spending a lot of money in their gallery. It's not that difficult. Show is over. Crate the painting. Send the painting. It's what you do.

Julia Sugarbaker has now stepped down from her soapbox. Speaking of Ms. Sugarbaker, I cannot wait to see Dixie Carter herself in Arsenic and Old Lace at the Alley on Saturday.

Is JLo pregnant or not? Why do I care? I don't know why, but I do.

Painting should arrive on Friday or Monday. If I were a betting man, I would say Tuesday.

Phlegm, Phlegm, and more Phlegm

UGH! Since Tuesday, I have had the worst sinus infection. I am not saying it was Shlomo's fault, but he "got it first and I got it worst." Really, that is not true. I think his was worse because I started medication sooner than he did, so I seem to have rebounded faster.

One thing I discovered in my two day stupor away from the office is that daytime television has really gone downhill. I was the biggest soap fan. Now, they can barely hold my interest. The View is fine, but there are no sparks like there were last season...although Whoopi seems to do a good job at calling Elisabeth on stuff. I hate the Hasselbot. It's just my opinion, but I think people who are holier-than-thou evenutally find out they are not. I would be willing to buy a ticket to this downfall.

I did at one point find myself singing in bed, "When Cameron was in Egypt's land...let my Cameron go." If only my days off had had Ferris's inspiration.

Nut Farms and Sea Salt

First of all, Santa Fe was fantastic. Second, I just found out that Renee Zellweger is making a movie there. How did I not see her?

The exhibit was unbelievable. Shlomo and I spoke with Roller for about 10 minutes or so. He was very nice and really shared a lot with us about the show, his views on religion, Fayetteville, celebrity friends, and many other things. Honestly, I left feeling like I had talked with one of the most fascinating people I would ever meet. Crazy, but fascinating.

As part of the show, he had a friend from Fayetteville come in dressed as a nun (if nuns wore purple satin rather than black gabardine) and do a performance piece he had written about the characters from Brenda's nut farm.

Speaking of the characters from Brenda's Nut Farm, I have to say that seeing the painting I had purchased in person absolutely lived up to and exceeded my expectations. The detail on it (and on all the works) is amazing. In the lecture he gave Saturday morning, he described in detail his four-year-long process of preparing canvasses to paint. It shows in his work. They are the smoothest oil paintings I have ever seen. They truly are magical.

Now, speaking of Nut Farms, it sounds like Shlomo and I should find one of our own. In a weak moment, we purchased this for our backyard. It is an amazing bronze, but who do we think we are? I guess now I can refer to the back patio as the sculpture garden. Aren't we hoity toity?

We spent Saturday night up in the mountains at the 10,000 Waves Spa. I cannot stress strongly enough how good the massage was. It was preceded by soaking in a private tub surrounded by the mountains at dusk. Breathtaking. The herbal wrap was enjoyable (but, I am such a baby and had to keep my arms out the whole time!). But, the piece de resistance was the salt glow. I know it sounds bizarre that you would have warm oil poured over your body and then rubbed with sea salts. However, it was so relaxing. "Baby's Butt"...those are the only words that can be used to describe how soft my skin now is. I am sure that will all change in a week, but it will be one good week.

Maybe, I am Little Bit Country

Okay, on DWTS, I hate to admit it but I was most impressed with Marie Osmond tonight. I thought she did a fantastic job. Do I think she will win? Probably not. But, she and Jane will make it fairly far in the competition. Jennie Garth will improve. That Cheetah Girl will have tons of teenage fans calling in. It is probably looking better for the girls to make it further than the guys.

That said, sadly, I do not think tonight will be the last night of Wayne Newton. Simply put, he has legions of fans. While I think he should be the one go, it will be nice to see Cheryl stick around a while longer. My guess for tonight: Mark Cuban. Billionaire, yes. Fan base, no.