Calgon, Take Me Away!

There is no nice way to say it. This week is kicking my butt. First, I will focus on the good news: Shlomo’s speech is ready. For the most part, it has passed the muster of those whose muster it needed to pass. I am relieved that my part of that (you know, the writing, editing, and pretty much making sure it is smart and entertaining) is done.

Then, yesterday was a day that will live in infamy. That’s right. In my world, it could be up there with Pearl Harbor. Not the day it was bombed. The day the movie was released. That day will live in infamy too. Talk about bad.

So, work…yeah, work…oh, how I love thee. I have been working on this freakin’ spreadsheet for four days. That’s four whole days. Not counting the six days I worked setting it up before these additions were deemed necessary. Yep. I am sick of it. It now appears to be over. Hopefully, it won’t resurface.

So, let’s review the home situation. Shlomo had to go to California yesterday for meetings today. That left me with the house to myself. Did I mention that our house is a combination of construction zone and disaster area? We had a simple little project that we wanted: just some lights in the built-in shelves in the living room. We thought it would make everything appear so much nicer and not be that much effort. Yeah…we thought wrong. There is literally nothing left in our living room. Everything is pushed against a wall and covered with plastic. Our floor? Yep, the beautiful antique Persian rug has been replaced with some padded brown paper thing. Oh. So. Lovely.

So my usual plan of “Shlomo is out of town and I will watch shows I have DVRed that he does not follow” was not really going to happen. TV…not in living room. Comfy yet attractive chair? Against the wall covered with plastic. No problem. I will go lay on the bed and watch my shows. Oh yeah, did I mention that the satellite receiver is out of order in the bedroom?

Brainstorm…I can still watch a DVD in the bedroom. It pains me very much to tell you this next part. About a week and a half ago, we had four baby birds that made it to the point of fledging. That’s right, the adult birds were good enough parents that they raised them to the point that they actually left the nest. (My parents are still trying to achieve this with my brother. Yes, he has his own house and a wife. But, he would move back in if given any excuse.) All was well. Until yesterday. I found that one of the babies did not make it. Note: if you are my rabbi and are reading this, a condolence note will not be necessary. I refuse to believe the babies are going to make it until they actually make it and have their adult feathers. I grew up on a farm. I know these things happen. (Cue Elton John singing “Circle of Life” here.)

So Shlomo is gone and I need to dispose of the remains. Not that it happens often (it has only happened one other time), but it is his job. Somehow, I made myself do it. I would love to say that there was a burial…and a ceremony of some sort….some kind words about how life is precious. Yeah. There was a soft cloth and the outside trash can. Call me harsh. That’s all I could bring myself to do.

So, house is a wreck. Dogs are stirring because of the house wreckage. They just do not know how to deal with the disruption to their environment. I can relate. I am watching Juno on DVD. Things are good. I pause it to take a potty break and cannot get the stupid DVD to work again. I try completely restarting the system. Nothing.

By this time, it is getting kind of late, so I decide to let Calgon take me away. And, away it took me. Whoever it was that decided one should not take a bubble bath every day should be shot. It was the best part of my day until…my cell phone decided to join me in the tub. Splish. Splash.

I grabbed it immediately, got out, and dried off. I dried it as best I could and took it apart so the pieces could dry individually. My hope was that it would work again this morning. Well, evidently hopes are for sissies. It does not work. I called the fine folks at T-Mobile to report the problem. I have insurance on the darn thing, surely it covered stupidity and clumsiness. Yeah…it does. I have to talk to a claims adjuster (for a phone!) and then I should have a new one in 48 hours. I know that does not seem like a long time. But it is. 48 hours without a cell phone for me is like 48 years of my dad’s life without those white Reeboks from 1987 that he always wears. I love that phone. Oh, and if you come across a pair of the classic white leather Reeboks with green writing in a size 9, let me know where. Father’s day is coming up.

So there it is. I think we have all learned an important lesson. Sometimes Calgon (or in this case Elemis Muscle Soak…hey…I walked three miles yesterday...it was justified) can take you away and you forget about all your stresses and problems. Other times, Calgon only adds to your problems. Thanks, Calgon. You are a friend.

Procrastination is the Key

Well, here I sit. Shlomo's speech is to be given on Friday. I made a big deal about how he was allowed to make no plans for anything today. It was all about speech-writing and doing things I needed to be in a speech-writing frame of mind. It is now 5:00. Let's review what I have done and not done.

Done:

• Mani/pedi. Short nails are a necessity for typing on the laptop.
• Greasy grilled chicken patty melt for lunch. Nourishment is the key to attack that hard-to-write speech.
• Changed the sheets on the bed. Hey, it's Sunday. It's that time of week.
• Visited an antique store where both a vase and a small urn were procured. I am pretty sure Shlomo agreed to this only because he felt I would be home writing shortly thereafter.
• Watched last week's Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters so I will be caught up when the new episodes air tonight.
• Made plans to watch both Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters tonight.
• Instructed Shlomo that we would be having dinner at our favorite Indian restaurant.
• Laundry. Hey, I had to wash the napkins from last night's dinner party. You do not want those stains to set in. That would be a nightmare.
• Finished the book I was reading. I cannot have an unfinished project like that before I begin to write. It was only about 30 pages.
• This blog entry...although that probably goes without saying.

Not Done:

• Finishing the speech. I have been working on it. I am about 40 percent there. I think the hardest part is done. But, why do I have to put myself through the hours of semi-useless crap (okay, mostly fun stuff) to make myself write this darn thing? Seriously, there must be something wrong with me.

********************************UPDATE*********************************

It is now midnight. I have a usable first draft for Shlomo's speech. But, more importantly, how good was Desperate Housewives tonight? Can Gabrielle be bitchier about Carlos's blindness. I know it is mean, but it is also funny. And, all my friends know that funny and mean is my favorite combination. Unless it is directed at me. I can only dish it out.

Where have you been?

Okay, I know…I have been bad. It’s been over a week since I have blogged. I would make up some excuse, but you won’t believe it. So, I will be honest. I have just been busy…busy with some fun stuff (a trip to New York)…busy with some not fun stuff (anything that has happened at the office)…busy in the morning (a 2:30 a.m. CST wake-up call to fly home on Tuesday)…busy in the evening (Itzhak Perlman concert)…basically, I have been busy all over this land. So, in the words of Bette Davis, “Fasten your seatbelt. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.”

Let’s start with New York, shall we? I heart NY. Seriously, Shlomo and I love to go there. We go as often as we can. This time we went to see some shows, shop, and attend a Passover seder. Of course, we shopped too much. But that is a whole other issue.

We saw five shows. That is a lot. In four days. On Saturday, we did double duty. The first one we saw was Dangerous Liaisons (or as they spell it Les Liaisons Dangereuses) with Laura Linney, Ben Daniels, and Mamie Gummer. You might have heard of Miss Gummer’s mother/clone. Her name is Meryl Streep. While La Streep was not in attendance as I had hoped she would be, I can report that the play was fantastic. The acting was great. The costumes were beautiful. And, the scenery was even a bit innovative.

Saturday afternoon: Gypsy. We had an unfair advantage. We had seen it last year in its limited run at City Center. Patti Lupone did not disappoint. Being in the third row was not so bad, either. She was swell. She was great. Everything’s coming up Rose. When the Tonys roll around in June, let there be no doubt. It’s Mama’s turn. Interesting tidbits from the show: Clive Owen was a few rows behind us. Two words: Hubba hubba! And, Jeanne Cooper (Katherine Chancellor on the Young and the Restless) was across the aisle. She is an icon in my life. I have watched Y&R my entire life. She looks just like you would think she would.

On Saturday evening, we saw a cute comedy called Boeing Boeing. Christine Baranski plays the French maid. She did not disappoint. The show was long. It was easy to figure out. But, it was well-acted and fun.

On Sunday, we took a trip to South Pacific. In a word: Beautiful. Amazingly beautiful. A 30-piece orchestra, a full-sized airplane on stage, and beautiful singing voices by the entire cast…Bali Hai has never been so lush. In another year, I would have to pull for Kelli O’Hara’s Nelly Forbush to win the Tony, but we all know…it’s Mama’s turn. Side note: Jimmy Fallon sat across the aisle from us. I hope his plans to succeed Conan work out well for him. He seemed quite nice.

Then, on Monday night, we saw the new musical, A Catered Affair. I will say this…Luke Duke actually belongs on Broadway. I think he knows this. It was a haunting story about love, grief, repression, and family dynamics. It is very serious, but not a total downer. Faith Prince makes you ache as a mother who lost her son in the Korean war. And Harvey Fierstein is Harvey Fierstein…in all his glory.

Among all that, we still found time to shop, eat, sleep, and go to a museum. This time we went to the fairly recently opened Neue Galerie. It specializes in Austrian and German art and has an amazing collection of the works of Gustav Klimt. It’s small, intimate, and not to be missed. It was established by the Lauder Family. That’s Lauder as in Estee Lauder. My mother loves her perfumes.

As for the shopping, I will say this. Shlomo and I do not live in New York. While we go a couple of times a year, we don’t go that often. How is it that two different salespeople knew us at Barneys New York, New York? ( I like to call it that. They are all Barneys New York…even the one in Dallas.) Are we that unforgettable? I guess so. But, I am known for my vintage cufflink obsession and BNYNY usually has a great selection. A pair was procured. There were no celebrity sightings there this time. But we did see Cliff Claven in Bergdorff Goodman.

So, after the fun and excitement, it was back to a not-so-fun week at the office. Seriously, accounting is so glamorous. NOT. I don’t really care why our depreciation expense increased and I don’t think anyone else should either. That’s all I am saying about that. Oh, and Shlomo’s speech is still looming. I have started it. It will get done. I know what he needs to say. I just have to make him say it. That is what the weekend is for. Speaking of, have a great weekend. I will try to do better and blog more next week.

If you build it...

So, in a little over two weeks, Shlomo is supposed to deliver a 15 minute speech. As his official speech writer, I am supposed to write said speech. I am all about positive thinking and hope that it gets there, but this is what I have so far…





























That’s right. I have nothing. Nada. Zip. I know it will change, but so far, it is not looking so good. Maybe inspiration will strike. Maybe it won’t. But, I am starting to get a tad bit nervous.

Additionally, we have a very busy couple of weeks ahead. We have something almost every night. So, be sending positive writing thoughts my way. Otherwise, it will be 15 minutes of quoting Dirty Dancing, Ferris Bueller, and making fun of people. While that might be fun, I don’t think it is really appropriate.

In the meantime, how good is Kristi Yamaguchi!?!?! Say what you will, she is in a completely different caliber than the other contestants on Dancing With The Stars.

Orange ya glad?

So do you ever have one of those days where you are not really planning to do anything and are looking forward to the rest, and then somehow it goes horribly wrong. That was the case this past weekend. Saturday was going to be a relaxing day where we just ran a couple of errands. We left the house at 11:00 a.m. and returned at…get this…5:00 p.m. We had tickets to a play that night and I still needed to do some prep work and make birthday cupcakes for a dinner party we were having on Sunday.

I am still not sure where the six hours went. Although, we did add a canary to our menagerie. His name is Bob Dylan. He is a “crested” canary so it looks like he has this funky brown hairdo. That is where he got his name. So far, the other birds are scared of him. Yes, he is a little bigger than they are, but at our specialty bird store, they said it would be fine to mix him in with the finches. After all, a canary is a type of finch. So far, if he flies to an area of the cage where the other birds are, they flee.

I feel bad. I am the one who wanted him. Shlomo did not. He thought he was too big. I have a feeling this will result in my having two antique birdcages to clean. But, he’s orange and I love him. Did you hear that? He’s orange…except for a few brown feathers on his wing and the mop-top hairdo. And, he supposedly will have a beautiful, melodious song.

Okay, enough of the bird drama. I brought it on myself. But, he’s orange and I love him. I know I said that already. But, he’s orange. He matches both the leather sofa in my sitting room (which he is in no way near) and the mixer in my kitchen (again, no way near). Did I mention that he’s orange?

We had my 10-year-old cousin for the day on Sunday. She is such a nerd, but pretty funny. In fact, she very much reminds me of a ten-year-old me. We both have an ability to become obsessed with things. If you were a little bird (like say, the orange Bob Dylan), you might have heard the following interchange:

Anshel: “Oh, I forgot I have a dermatologist appointment on Wednesday.”

Margaux (pronounced with a long, drawn-out “O”): “I hate ologists.”

Anyway, we went to the gardens of Bayou Bend with which she is obsessed (it was our third trip!) and to the Pompeii exhibit at Museum of Fine Arts. Then, her parents and brother came down and I prepared dinner for the six of us. Any excuse I can find to use those new dishes.

Oh, and Margaux’s mother called this morning. Margaux had been to the orthodontist. Maggie has now added “odontists” to the list of things she hates. Braces in July. I can’t say that I blame her. I wonder if she can get orange braces.

Look at me, Mister. I'm a Star!

Well, tonight it was just like it was 1957. Swifty Lazar walked through Imperial Drug, saw me sipping my cherry coke at the counter and said, "That boy there has star quality."

Shlomo and I went to see the touring production of the Broadway hit The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. We knew before we went that they took four volunteers from the audience to participate in the show. Shlomo was determined that I should be one of them because of my impeccable spelling ability. I really did not care. I had had my moment of glory when I won the school spelling bee in junior high. However, that moment did not last too long as I missed my first word at the county bee. Remembering this tragedy, I decided some vindication was in order.

The way it worked was this. When we came to the top of the stairs in the lobby, a gentleman was standing there who asked if I was a good speller. Shlomo responded with an immediate, "Yes, he is." They sent me to talk to some Anderson Cooper-looking fella who asked me a few simple questions...name, age, occupation, etc. I am trying really hard not to hold a grudge that he marked my age as 35-50 without even asking. Uh, I'm 33, AC.

AC then referred me to a lovely lady at a lemonade stand-looking booth for round 2 of the questioning. Hobbies? Well, I was not thinking fast enough to say "coupon clipping and Chinese cuisine." I went with the arts both visual and performing. She asked if I performed. I responded that while I do star in my own self-created dramas everyday, I have no professional performing experience. She asked a few more boring questions. I dismissed my publicist, Shlomo. She said to meet back at 7:45 for the announcement of the four participants. Shlomo crossed his fingers. I was pretty indifferent.

7:43--Shlomo forces us to the lemonade stand for the announcement.

7:46--Still no Elizabeth (I think that was her name.)

7:48--My name is called third. I will be making my stage debut as a cast member of The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee after a brief orientation. Also, I nearly pee in my pants.

8:00--Orientation is over. Curtain will go up in three minutes. I rush to the bathroom. Whew!

8:04--The curtain is up. The show began.

8:08--The first song is over. The additional spellers are called to the stage. I proceed down the aisle and onto the stage. I do not trip. My fly is zipped. It's going to be great. I am going to spell my ass off.

The first act proceeds. Then I am called to the mike to spell my first word. On my way, I hear the announcer say, "Anshel Streisand is the first in his class to grow facial hair." My first word was "Mexicans." They had instructed us that for each word, we were to ask for the definition and then to use it in a sentence. The definition was "a slang term developed by Americans to describe anyone from Puerta Rico, Chile, Argentina or any other country in Latin America." I don't remember the sentence. What can I say? 2,500 people were staring at me. Needless to say, I got it right. Vindication was mine.

Then there were some songs...and dancing. Yep, I had to shimmy in front of 2,500 people. I hope I kept the beat. Choreography is hard.

Then, I was called for my second word. As I was walking up, I heard the announcer say, "Anshel Streisand is recovering from a severe case of the cooties." The word was "sermoncle." Definition: a short speech given by a pastor. The sentence: Sermoncle is not a real word. I knew this would happen. There was no way they would let a civilian win. Therefore I decided to make an interesting choice and possibly go out with a bang.

I decided that "sermoncle" probably started with a silent "P." I don't know where I got that, but I went with it. P-S-E-R-M-O-U-N-K-E-L-L. The announcer said, "I don't know what you spelled, but that is not correct." The grief counselor came onto the stage, gave me a juice box, and showed me to my seat.

So there you have it. Andy Warhol said that everyone would have 15 minutes of fame in their life. I guess I was lucky. I was on stage for approximately 27 minutes. Eat your heart out, Andy Warhol. And, more words really should start with a silent "P."

If you like Pina Coladas...

Okay, I have to tell one on Shlomo. Let me just begin by saying how much I love him. He is my favorite person in the world. Sometimes, however, I do not understand him.

We were in Galveston for the "Wedding of the Milennium" this weekend. Between herding the bridesmaids for the rehearsal, reading during the ceremony, picking up lunch for 50 people, setting up for the reception, among many other things, we had very little time for ourselves. However, we did manage to carve out the time between 9:30 and 10:30 on Friday night for us.

We were staying at a lovely hotel. Seriously, the grounds were beautiful. It had a fantastic pool with a swim-up bar. Now, I think swim-up bars are great. They are, in fact, my favorite kind of bar. However, when said swim-up bar is in Galveston, you have to use your imagination to get to paradise.

It had been a long day (and a long elevator ride with Shlomo wearing his royal blue and red swimsuit with his burgundy T-shirt, but that's another story...ten paces behind that fashion fiasco), so we decided we would both have a drink at the bar.

I ordered my usual--a margarita on the rocks, no salt. Shlomo ordered a Baileys and Irish Whiskey...in a swim-up bar. Baileys and Irish Whiskey is a delicious drink. It makes a great nightcap. But, in a swim-up bar? That's where you order a margarita (like I did), a pina colada, a mai tai, or any fruity concoction. A Baileys and Irish Whiskey? I am still not over it. Why not just order a gimlet or a sidecar?

Of course, the ridicule commenced. Shlomo claimed I thought he could do nothing right. That is not true. I think he does many things right. However, we are going to have to work on pool attire and drinks. That's not so bad. If that is my worst pet peeve (and it is at the moment), we are going to be just fine.