Bitching, Moaning, Whining, and Complaining

It’s time I tell you about something that has proven to be the bane of my existence. It seems to wreak havoc with my life on a daily basis. I have tried everything to rid myself of this problem. I have even turned (reluctantly) to booze and pills. Okay, mostly just pills prescribed by a doctor…but still…. However, there is no escape. I have to admit the control it has over my life. That’s right. I admit it. It controls me. I am talking about my stomach.

I am not talking about its size. Although, on any given day its girth could deserve its own zip code. I am talking about its continual state of upheaval…constant churning…incessant rolling…unending gurgling. Frankly, it has reached the point that I do not know what to do.

Those who know me remember the three years where I could not eat anything with enriched, bleached flower without throwing up. Yeah. That was back before I was a Jew. Communion on Christmas Eve…that was fun. One little wafer cause regurgitation in the church parking lot. I am not saying that my digestive system’s physical rejection of the symbolic body of Christ had anything to do with my conversion. But, looking back it was a symbolic gesture that could not be ignored. And, did you know that Twizzlers contain flour. I learned that after I ate a package from the vending machine. Good times…

You might think that a simple trip to the doctor would cure my ills. Dr. Feelgood has not been a great help. I have consulted with two different gastroenterologists. I am on a prescription that helps to a degree. I can now eat flour. But, I still have to be careful. I cannot overload my body with flour, fried foods, fruit, vegetables, chocolate, peppermints, spicy foods, or pretty much anything that I actually like to eat.

And that is part of the problem. I love to eat. Yesterday was a prime example. I spent the entire day (when not arguing with Shlomo) yearning for some good fried chicken. I got it and it was delicious. This morning, however, I woke up in severe pain in my abdominal region.

I pointed out to Shlomo that my friend Rhea (first name Di) would be visiting soon. I am sure Tally can relate. I went about my business of getting ready. Then, I had to make a mad dash to the powder room. I don’t get it. It’s not like I had been drinking water in an under-developed country.

So there you have it. The next time you are happily going through life eating whatever you want, just think of me. How do I spell relief? R-O-L-A-I-D-S. Always have. Always will. In fact, always have them nearby.